Monday, March 26, 2007

so clear

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.

Excerpt from Mirror Analysis, Sylvia Plath

I am swallowing life as never before.

My father's health improves daily and there is color in his face and the light in my mother's eyes has returned. My friends are filling my days with laughter and love. I am rejuvenated at work, feeling inspired and driven and resolved to make a lasting impact and to truly serve my beloved community. There is a new brilliant streak of red in my life that is making me laugh and feel alive and its visit to my world has been exactly what I've needed to break free and be unafraid. I have maybe even found a place in Portland to hang my hat, lay down some roots, begin again, renewed, refreshed, with a sense of who I am and what I want that has never been clearer to me.

Coinciding with spring, life is transforming from cold and colorless to warm and vibrant. The contrast of "now" to "then" is so obvious I would have to be rendered senseless to not notice it, and I'm savoring my current lucky streak for all its worth. The fog has lifted, and I'm taking it all in, every color, every note of music, every taste, every smell, the softness, the rough edges, every last single bit of it. I didn't even know I was this hungry for life.

Strangely enough, this hunger sits side by side with an inner calmness. Something profound has happened within the deepest core of who I am. A realization, an awareness. A discovery that the mind has layers and layers of consciousness, each one beautiful and different and transformative, that the heart is resilient and able to heal, and that at this moment, my soul is like a lake in the gloaming...tranquil, unmoving, like a mirror. If I've ever felt this way in the past, I don't remember it.

And while I fully realize that lucky streaks always end, I am not afraid of what's around the bend. I have discovered that what makes me strong is fearlessness, and when i dare to be it, the payoff is...stunning.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

You deserve a great place to hang your hat...Peace, silence, laughter, joy...all to you. We are here in support!