this morning i sat, candle and incense lit and burning, mala beads in hand, breathing in the stillness all around me, breathing it out and sending it to a friend whose heart is heavy. wishing him peace. lightness of heart. my meditation.
after an hour, i stood, stretched, stayed and kept quiet, no music, acutely aware of my aloneness, my solitude, not empty as loneliness, but enough alone to feel a familiar ache.
i am trying to stay in the center. to live in circles without edges. trying to turn upside down the thoughts, the feelings, like loneliness or fear or confusion. turn them over, create from them images that are concrete, objects i can touch and see. trying to imagine them as water that i pour into glass pitcher, and then spill out onto the ground, released, free, rolling away, sinking into the dirt, dissolving.
i am suppose to practic emptiness...sunyata . impermanence...anitya. non-attachment...vairagya. selflessness...anatman
i am suppose to practice awareness, awareness, awareness...prajna.
i am suppose to see life in the immediate now. not be distracted by what lies ahead.
i know this.
yet there is this paradox. a presence, a promise, living quietly in my heart. a voice in my head, in my dreams. like it's always been there, always. someone i can't recognize yet but who i have to believe is out there, somewhere and god i just hope i recognize her when i see her.
otherwise none of this makes sense. i simply cannot believe i am supposed to spend this life alone.
she's out there. and she's singing. and laughing. and waiting.
the next day is going to the best day.