outside the wind howls, the rain spins sideways in tiny tornadoes, neighborhood chimes singing, ringing (i hear you betty), every house glowing orange from the inside, no cars, no people, nothing at all on the street except the massive pounding force of the rain and the wind.
my windows are shaking.
outside it is cold to the bone.
i spent part of the afternoon working, then visiting a very sick friend who is brave and undaunted and so incredibly strong and who fights on and on and on, refusing to give in, she is a beautiful warrior who makes me so fucking proud to be a woman. on my way back home, drained from emotion, I took a detour, higgins beach, i needed to stand in front of the violent ocean i needed to feel the sting of the rain i needed to smell the salt in the air and to listen to the waves crashing and pushing so hard, so powerful, so...completely...present.
i needed to feel...life.
arrived home late, drenched, cats hungry and restless. put on an old ragged wool sweater of my dads and my best loved pair of flannel pajama bottoms, tucked my feet inside thick wool socks, fed the cats, and started a pot of vegetable soup, letting it simmer, letting the smell fill the room, making the kitchen feel warm and alive and reminding me of shapleigh. safe.
lit a fire, pulled the chair close to it, and here i sit, curled up, the faint hint of my dad on the sweater mixing with soup and fire and incense, a parade of smells, of memories that were, of days that are, and anticipation of what's to be.
here i sit, a glass of red wine warming my blood, cats sprawled on the floor by my feet, billie holiday whispering in the background, i am alone but i don't feel it, there are echoes, haunting but comforting, betty and alex and gracie and the beautiful friends I am blessed with now and my amazing, wonderful family . all of them my jewels. all of them my angels. it is just such a gift, to love and be loved.
let me always be aware of how truly lucky i am.