Friday, May 30, 2008

simple wishes

my mom's health is improving every minute. yesterday she stood up for the first time in eight days, the antibiotics are beginning, finally, to chase away this major infection, she is in good spirits, and the biggest indication that she's feeling better: she is very, very, VERY chatty. I am usually the last of the family to leave her hospital room at night (mostly because I live ten minutes away and the rest of my family has an hour drive), and I have learned to savor that last hour or so of the evening when it's just the two of us. Even the nurses seem to understand that this is a special time and make every effort to respect our space. We've had incredible conversations, intimate, revealing, close-to-the-heart talks.

last night she wanted to talk about my work, about my activism, and about God. she told me how proud she was of me, and of how she looked up to me. she talked about the potential referendum that's happening here in Maine, and of how it broke her heart that there are people in this world who make it their life's mission to push people like me back into the closet. she said she worries for my safety sometimes, because she knows that some of those people hate me for the work that i do and for the person that i am.

she proclaimed proudly and with great conviction that she was a Christian, that God had been guiding her through these hard times, and that God was watching over our family. And that there was no way this God would look at me and think I was an abomination. That above all else, God smiles down at love of family, at compassion, at gentle care for our fellow human beings. She said this is how God lives within us and that she knows God lives deep within me. That God made me exactly the way I am, and that He looks at me and thinks, "well done." She said "i wish the people who think you don't deserve your own family could see the way you've cared for me, what you've done for me. but they never will, because they just don't want to." it was very, very sweet.

ah. i wish that too, truly. but that wish pales in comparison to other, simpler wishes. i wish that when i walk into her hospital room this morning, she will be smiling and feeling good. i wish for more of these amazing moments with my mom. i wish for more time, i wish for years. i wish for healing. i wish to put my bare feet in the green grass of Shapleigh and i wish for my mom to be sitting right beside me when i do.

As horrible as this experience has been, there have also been profound gifts presented to us. My mother and I have always known we loved one another, there has never, ever been any doubt about that. but in this past month, something has deepened between us in a most beautiful way. i feel...connected to her...close in a way that is simply indescribable. we are fundamentally different now, we have crossed some amazing plane into a place that runs deeper than oceans.

as my mom would say...God is good. amen.


Dawn on MDI said...

Amen indeed. What a gift it is to be able to find the gems of enormous value in a situation that on the outside looks completely terrible. It speaks well of you and of your parents that you know how to do that. Good for you, and good for your mom. Sending more healing energy her way...

MRMacrum said...

Glad to hear about your mom. Chatty is good.

True connections with anyone are rare. I mean those moments when all walls are broken down and both people bare themselves to each other wihtout judgement. Savor these moments. They are rare.