Monday, July 21, 2008

cookin' on the slant

some of my fellow bloggers, on occasion, will share their favorite recipes, providing step-by-step instructions with often colorful and dee-lish-ous lookin' photos to illustrate their points. this morning, littlestpea did it, and dawn from mdi does it All. The. Time. she's a Recipe Show-Off. of course, she's also an incredible cook, and her blog *is* called Weldable Cookies.

so i've decided that this monday morning, i am going to share with y'all how to prepare *my* specialty dish, and yep, i'm even going to include photos. hang onto your hats slant readers, and take notes. this will change your culinary life forever.


How To Cook Pop Tarts

Step One: you need to go to your local supermarket and buy a box of Pop Tarts. i prefer the six-pack as opposed to the eight-pack, for reasons which will be discussed later in this post. warning: this can be very, very overwhelming as there are seemingly millions of choices.

make your decision wisely, because once you get them groceries bagged, there is just no. turning. back.

okay. step two. when you get home, and after you've put any perishables into their proper compartments (ie. milk and beer should go in the refrigerator section, Celeste Pizzas in the freezer), place the box of Pop Tarts on your kitchen counter. And then locate your toaster.

step three, and people, this is important, so pay close attention: Plug. The. Toaster. Into. An. Outlet. Trust me, you'll only forget to do this once and then never again. It makes for a very. long. afternoon. if you forget.

step four.

open the box, and remove Pop Tarts from the wrapping (again, you only forget to do this once.)

step five. place poptarts in toaster. and do not leave the room. this is a very critical time in your poptart preparation. you simply cannot trust that the toaster instinctively knows what it's doing (last time i checked, toasters do not have brains). if you aren't carefully watching, smelling, and overall obsessing over the cooking of the tart, if you turn your back for even a minute, the results can be...well...horrifying. Pop Tart Freaking Hell.

for real, the above photo just makes. me. weep. Pop Tart Abuse. damn.

annnnyway, step six. after carefully monitoring the toasting process, Pop The Tarts when the outer layer is a lovely light brown. and please people, be careful when pulling said tarts out of the toaster. they are very, very hot. ouch. i found a photo of burnt fingers, but honestly, it was just too gross to share. let your imagination be your guide.

finally, step seven. place the tarts on a lovely plate, smear with butter or your favorite substitute. you can even cut them in lovely triangle shapes for presentation purposes:

now, some of you may be asking "but how many pop tarts should i cook?" this is completely subjective of course, and highly dependent upon the level of your appetite. i prefer the Paula Poundstone Theory of Poptarts, based on the six-poptarts-per-box count. The Cliff Note version goes something like this:

poptarts generally come two per package, so clearly you need to eat at least two because if you don't, the other pop tart will become stale very quickly, and frankly, that's a waste.

consuming two poptarts is simply Not. A. Meal. so you've gotta do two more to meet Basic Daily Requirements.

after you've been through Round Two, you have a poptart box with just one package of poptarts in it, which seems like just a colossal waste of space, and well, cardboard. so you eat the third package just to basically Tidy Up.

and There You Have It. the first installment of Cookin' On The Slant.

next week: Mrs. Budd's Frozen Chicken Pot Pie.


michael said...

you elevate self-deprecation to an artform, huntress.

very funny post.

j said...

Awesome, though in our house we prefer the ones without frosting. Actually, S prefers the ones without frosting. I like the s'mores flavor.

Note: the recipe on my site actually requires very little cooking. Even A.S. was able to make them, and well, she may even have difficulties with pop tarts.

Dawn on MDI said...

Wow. That looks way easier than my baklava. Gotta try it.

And yeah, I am a bit of a show-off. But I love to cook.

Laura D. on MDI said...

Damn sweetie you need to add a disclaimer to post like that!

*Warning swallow any liquids that you may be consuming before reading any further. Oh, and um put down the vessel from which you are partaking.*

You nearly made me spray coffee all over my laptop and that would be coffee abuse which we just can't have.

MRMacrum said...

After my recent immersion in some Mommy Blogs, this is, how can I put it, appropriate? Timely maybe? Anyway, I laughed out loud hard. Great post. Thanks.

I notice you take the time to cook them. Is that not stepping over the line?

And Dawn, please continue your cooking posts. If I can't eat, reading about it is the next best thing.

Sarah P-H said...

You are mean. I've been craving poptarts since this morning when J read your post to me. Of course, I also want the noodles that Dawn gave the recipe for. Maybe I should just eat lunch.....

Laura D. on MDI said...

Shameless plug for more traffic here:

I've just posted one just for you dear on my very own brandy-new blog;